Building True Community in a Hyper-Individualistic World

You don’t have to have read a whole bunch of scientific papers to know that social exclusion sucks and we all want to belong. Though if you want to, you can. There’s been paper after paper “proving” something we all know if we just listen to ourselves (and each other).

That said, we do know that we developed a nifty ability to be in community with people who are genetically different from us. And we also developed the ability to prioritize the survival of the “tribe” over our own selfish tendencies.

Which is why it truly is the evolutionary backslide of all times to watch us spiraling back into hyper-individualism.

Because we are big ol’ softies—we literally have soft, penetrable hides, no horns—we need each other to survive. It’s what makes social exclusion (read: rejection) so unbearable because it used to mean certain death.

It’s also, I believe, why we are watching so many people vote against their best interest and in alignment with structures and systems meant to dominate, oppress, and crush.

Millions of people are backing vertical, “power over” structures like capitalism and colonialism in the hope that they’ll one day have the power and money that would mean they never have to face the pain of social exclusion again.

This is nothing new.

People have been investing in “power over” security by tying their destinies to vertical/authoritarian structures since the dawn of time. But what they often don’t realize in their short-sighted desire for pain reduction is that they’ll never actually get the payout they’re looking for. Only a false promise and a quickly fading sense of hope.

Vertical “community” does not exist. Only horizontal community does. Systems of reciprocity, not exploitation.

So how does this apply to me?! And daily life?! I can’t change a whole system!

Yes, I know. But it’s important to see how the part is a signifier of the whole so that we can see that the things we can do are connected to the dismantling of the system(s) we resent and want to change.

You’re likely here because you’re like me. I’m a highly empathetic person. And yet I still am susceptible to hyper-individualism. And that’s because hyper-individualism and hyper-independence are cut from the same cloth.

That sweet, sweet hyper-independence is pretty intoxicating. For the longest time, it was my coping mechanism of choice. It’s an incredibly fear-based response. Total lizard brain takeover. Especially if we have been repeatedly exploited, under-resourced, and lack the skills/can’t access the communities required to meet our needs.

In a world where our needs are so chronically undermet and our sense of safety is so often ripped out from under us… it’s only human (and mammalian) to end up back in old (evolutionary) patterns. Ones that prioritize risk aversion, keeping a distance, and prioritizing self.

But it’s not possible to build community from a distance. And distance is exactly what’s created when we are constantly living in the bubble of hyper-independence. Yes, my needs are (potentially) more likely to get met inside this bubble where I only worry about myself—especially when my history has me in vertical “communities” that take from me without giving to me. Yes, that one threat is neutralized and if that’s what I am optimizing for, I’d be golden.

But I’m alone here.

It’s riskier to be alone in this bubble.

Especially as someone whose needs often overwhelm my capacity to meet them, and as a sensitive human with a deep hunger for connection.

I can’t ask for help in the bubble!

I can’t connect in here!

It didn’t take long for it to become abundantly clear that I didn’t have community with people in my life. While I used to cling to the story that it was because “no one was at my level of awareness or development,” it was actually because I was actively choosing to be around people who wouldn’t require me to create horizontal reciprocity.

That would require me to be vulnerable with people who were vulnerable with me. And I was only vulnerable in spaces where it felt low risk. Sure, I’d be “vulnerable”… if it met one/both of these criteria:

• I felt more powerful than you (even secretly/subconsciously--there's that vertical structure internalized again!) eg. I had more wisdom, development, knowledge, awareness, or other forms of cognitive supremacy
• I’d already processed it and therefore had conclusions ready to go so there was no risk of my missing something and someone else pointing it out (read: I would not be caught vulnerable)

Cue flooding my life with relationships where I always had the most profound thing to say, building “friendships” where others came to me for advice and never the other way around, or even stages of choosing therapists who thought I was “so self-aware” and so they’d never get vulnerability out of me … sound familiar?

See, the thing is that true vulnerability requires risk.

Otherwise, you’re not being genuinely vulnerable.

It’s not vulnerable to demand everyone lays down anything that could even remotely scratch or poke us, and go in with a bulletproof suit of armor.

Nor is it vulnerable to go into a room of kittens with pepper spray at the ready in case one of them comes to scratch you.

Does that mean we need to go into a dark cave naked where we know there are humans with swords? Also no.

Like anything, it means finding our tolerable growth edge in an attempt to create change.

At first, I needed baby steps and a safe place to experiment with true vulnerability. It involved me seeking reciprocity and true vulnerability with a coach.

But there was crucial setup: I found someone I resonated with who seemed to be on my level and/or able to guide me.

This was key for breaking out of the vertical/hierarchical system that kept me hiding. In my existing system at the time, it would have been a NO GO for vulnerability with someone I admired (read: someone I considered peer level or further along in the journey than I was) because it was too risky.

What would happen if this person judged/rejected me?! I’d be devastated to be rejected by someone I wanted to be in community with.

That’s why it was the perfect setting to practice. I had the safety of knowing that this professional would hold me as I tried to be more genuine with my vulnerability and the relationship with my coach helped my brain rewire that vulnerability did not always result in rejection. In fact, it could mean more trust, intimacy, connection, and belonging.

[This, by the way, is also why I bake in low-risk, low-capacity opportunities for my clients to connect with each other in co-regulation, co-working sessions. They are magical. And I made them because it’s what I would have needed back when I was working on Project True Community.]

Having these safe spaces then helped me to pursue reciprocity in the relationships that were higher stakes for me. The ones in my everyday life. Because that’s what proper support does. It’s not vertical or “power over” where you become dependent and trapped. It’s empowering. It serves as a container for growth that encourages you and helps you find the natural support you need outside of that container. It might take time to get there, and you may even consciously choose to stick around because you enjoy it. But it comes from a place of power with not power over. That’s true horizontal community.

Takeaway: Awareness to Action

Do something this week that brings more horizontal reciprocity to your life.

• Think of someone who recently asked you for help and ask them for help with something.

• Be a participant rather than the ring leader. Join a club, attend a meetup. Go somewhere where you don’t control the space.

• Explore your fears around vulnerability and dependence. What stories are you telling yourself? What is the true cost of distance?

• Consider working with someone like I did. If I can be that person for you, I’d be honored. You can connect with me in a free 30-minute chat here.

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As always, I don’t need to be right. Find what resonates, and leave the rest. And of course, leave your comments. Nothing gives me greater joy than being in conversation with you.

The Meeting Post is a reader-supported publication. I ask that you consider becoming a paid subscriber. It helps me continue to keep providing resources for you all. If you’re in a position where you can afford to support this community (and me) I’d be deeply grateful.

Either way, I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for being a part of my true community.

Be kind to you,

Madeline